Starting Over.

“Work harder, faster. Make better, stronger. Evolution never complete.”

Two and a half years ago, I weighed 230 lbs at 5’8″—very obese and unhealthy. To put it in perspective, I could barely run 30 feet without running short on breath and needing to take a moment to rest. I had a terrible self-image, and I felt very much alone.

At some point, I decided to live my life better. I can’t tell exactly what it was; I remember eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich in my living room (my third meal that night) at 3 am watching StarCraft II and feeling terrible. I was actually sick with the flu at the time, but it was probably the first time in my life I realized that my lifestyle was going to kill me eventually. I was heading into the 23rd year of my life in the worst condition I had ever been in.

So I made some changes. I became a vegetarian, I started exercising more regularly. As I got healthier, I also got into parkour; (for the record, anyone can do parkour, I promise). The exhausting exercise that parkour provided was fun and gave me something to improve at constantly, and at some point I was going to work out every day for two to three hours. During this time, I lost a lot of weight—at my skinniest, I got down to 150 lbs, an 80 lb difference.

Since then, I’ve been battling with depression and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Things were easy then because all I was doing was constantly working or working out. I was just improving. But then I lost my job and…stopped. My mom moved into the apartment with me after her divorce, and I didn’t have to clean or make food or even go out for groceries. I started to do literally nothing.

This continued for several months, from last summer until now. Since then, I’ve gained quite a lot of weight back (up to around 190, I believe). I feel fat, I feel ashamed. That feeling never really went away, even when I was skinny, but it’s amplified when you look in the mirror and see yourself and realize that your pants fall off of your ass because it’s too big. It’s a horrible feeling, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake it completely.

Nonetheless, I’m working on improving again. Today marks the next step in my journey. I’ve been still reeling since my resignation from Team Liquid a few weeks back, but I’m ready to get things together and get going. This year will be my most profitable year to date—I’m sure of that.

I have plans to exercise, stream, write, and read, and through this I plan to start over again, reset, and reorient myself forward. Time to do better.

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