Right now is a good time for me. I’ve had more than ample success as a writer since leaving Team Liquid with Esports Edition and now with Splyce, and I’ve entered into a really exciting time period in my life: I can officially make a living off of my freelance writing. It’s not much of a living, but I can pay the bills, and that’s really all that matters to me right now. It’s the freedom that’s important.
I’ve got so many projects and ideas, and there’s so much going on in the Heroes of the Storm scene that I will never run out of topics to talk about. It is an era of plenty. Plenty of topics, plenty of work, plenty of ideas, plenty of motivation.
For most people, this would be something exciting, something to embrace and enjoy, but I have difficulty seeing it this way myself. I have a habit of thinking ahead and predicting the future; sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes it really sucks.
To some degree, this sort of thinking has kept me out of trouble and prevented me from doing a lot of stupid stuff in my life that a lot of other people had to experience through trial and error. In gaming, it gives me an edge because I’m not twitching to avoid skillshots, I’m actively thinking about what’s my opponent is going to do next.
When I make predictions about meta changes, I’m fairly insightful. For instance, tanky bruiser meta always follows high burst mage meta. This is the case in every MOBA in almost every circumstance. Usually that’s followed by a high sustained damage meta and the cycle repeats itself. It’s a pattern that’s easy to follow, easy to predict.
Sometimes that insight can be a pain though. Coupled with a fancy for excitement and a belief in miracles, I can sometimes think too far ahead. It’s a bit embarrassing, but I’ve lived out an entire lifetime with every girl I’ve ever fallen in love with—in my head. Vividly, I’ve dreamed up an entire lifetime, an entire set of conversations that never happened, etc.
The same sort of thing happens to me sometimes when I think of business and success. I’ll publish a good article or develop a project and follow that train of thought all the way to its conclusion as a fully developed business. Again, this can be a good thing, but it often means I get impatient with what I’m doing and easily discouraged.
During a season of success, I only see the aftermath, like a roller coaster climbing a hill that you know it will inevitably drop from. No matter how successful you might be, you’ll always end up in a trough at some point. It might not be today or tomorrow, but at some point, it’s not going to be this easy.
My Bipolar means that I cycle through seasons of plenty and famine more often. I don’t get years of prosperity and happiness. It’s difficult to pinpoint the turning points, but I generally know when it’s happening, and it happens pretty regularly every few months. I can’t enjoy this because I know at some point I won’t be as lucky. It’s the anticipation that’s killing me.
Whatever the case may be, I’m going to continue to work despite that fear. There’s plenty to do, got to get working. I’m done ranting hahaha.