Update on life, motivation, and the future.

You’ll be seeing a lot less of me over the next couple of months.

For the last two years, I’ve been trying to break into esports as a writer and editor. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, experienced deep depression, and faced tons of rejection. As much as I’ve loved writing and talking about esports and gaming, I was never able to do more than barely break even—and with $3000 of credit card debt and countless other debts (student loans, taxes, etc.), that just isn’t good enough.

I just moved out to a new place with one of my best friends, and the goal of this move was to start a new life. Originally, that meant starting up full-time streaming, getting healthier, and beginning to get back on my feet. Unfortunately, as soon as I started streaming, I began to realize that I didn’t have the funds to sustain it until I could grow my stream properly. In short: I wasn’t going to be able to pay rent next month without a “real job”. Although I have continued to search for new jobs, I have been rejected over and over as a writer/editor, and was beginning to feel like the pursuit of that career might be futile.

So I took an offer from my roommate: a free job at a local construction company he works at. I’ll be doing manual labor at a decent rate, 8 hour workdays in 90F+ heat. However, they offer benefits, and for the first time in ages, I’ll actually be able to comfortably pay rent/bills and start building up savings.

It kills me to do this.

Maybe this isn’t the end. Maybe I’ll still have enough time and energy to work on esports stuff when I get home. I don’t know. But I’m sure that I’m going to have to give up a lot of things including my role as managing editor at LiquidHeroes, my streaming, and the multitudes of commitments I have as a freelance writer. That hurts a lot because I feel like I’m right on the verge of success…but I’ve felt this way for two years straight and never gotten anywhere.

Anyways, thanks for your support. I’ll catch you later.

3 comments

  1. Pingback: The shortest retirement in esports. |
  2. thisisevan717 · November 24

    Don’t give up buddy. You’ll have long days, you’ll be tired, but if you’re really in love with esports or whatever that is then you will feel enough passion to do it when you get home from a tiring work day. I think when you’re given less time to do something that sparks a fire to do it whenever you can and makes you more creative and excited in the time you can do it. I don’t know you, but don’t give up! Squeeze it into whatever time you have

    Like

    • EsportsJohn · 11 Days Ago

      Thank you for the kind words! Last year I worked myself down to the bone and ran completely dry of resources, and the result was complete and utter burnout by November. As I was going over my goals for 2018 around New Year’s Day, I realized that a lot of my unhappiness came from the unearthly standards I had set for myself. I worked like a person possessed with the idea of victory, and when I wasn’t quite able to snatch major success, it threw me into fits of frustration and deep depression.

      This year, my goal is to take care of myself first: focus on relationships, practice positive self-image, take things more slowly, etc. I’m hoping that focusing on health rather than success will bring me more joy in life.

      (As a side note, I quit that construction job only a day into it; it was not the correct job for me. I’m now comfortably working at a restaurant with an old friend of mine, and it’s been stellar).

      Like

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